LifeSwap: The Newest Demon Game Show!
by xxLivingDeadGirl13
Summary: Things are turned upside-down in Sunnydale when someone from an alternate universe and someone from the hometown are chosen for the Game Show Demon's newest prime-time hit!


Through the Rabbit Hole

Spike slammed the door of his crypt. He was sick and bloody tired of the Slayer, waltzing in, taking what she wanted and waltzing back out. He huffed as he sat back down on his wing-backed armchair.

"Bloody women," he angrily poured a shot. "They never know that they want." He knocked it back and poured another. As he was swallowing his fourth, there was a scream outside. He growled, deep in his chest and rolled his eyes. Couldn't they wait? He was trying to get lit and and forget about that lovely, sexy, beautiful, cold hearted bitch.

"Help! Holy fucking bollocks!" came the shout from outside. To this, he raised an eyebrow. Bollocks. You really didn't hear that around here anymore. He took a long drag from the bottle and pulled on his leather duster.

Miranda ran. It was cold, she was nude, and there was a snarling guy with large angry teeth behind her.

"Fucking shit twat arse," she yelled, panting, The swearing didn't help her breathing rate, but it made her feel better.

"Now, sweet thing," the snarling man began. "Why are you out here, all alone, with no clothes on?"

"I'd like to know the same thing!" She yelled at him, rounding a gravestone and plowing into a man in a long leather jacket.

"Hello, niblet," Spike said slowly, eyes raking up and down Miranda's body.

"Oh, fuck me," She breathed. This man. Ohh, this man.

"That could be-" Large hands wrapped around Miranda's throat and lifted her into the air.

"Forget about me?" the other man growled. Spike grinned and nodded heartily.

"Hell yeah, wouldn't you?" Miranda gurgled. "Sorry, love." He pulled a stake from his duster pocket and quickly dispatched of the foe. As the guy dusted, Miranda tumbled to the ground.

"Ow!" She yelped, grabbing her ankle.

"Bloody hell," Spike swore, taking off his duster. "Here, but this on." With tears in her eyes, Miranda wrapped the coat around her. "I'll bring you back to my place and see if I can't get you into something." She nodded and tried to stand up.

"Fucking bollocks!" Spike raised his eyebrows.

"Tell me how you really feel. Come here, love." He picked her up in his arms and wrapped the coat around her girly bits to avoid being accused of perversion. Still, if he could blush, he would. She was slim and taut. Like a runner; an athlete. That must be why she got away. Her hair was the most amusing, though. The back was black as the sky above, but the front, the bangs bit, was white like his.

Miranda couldn't help but stare. He was wearing a black wife beater with a red button up on top. His shoulders were wide, and his cheekbones high and pronounced. He was strong, too. He just walked alone like he wasn't carrying and injured, half naked girl in his arms. She felt her face get hot as his eyes flicked down at her- ah, his- open jacket.

"Sorry, niblet. We've got to get you in some clothes." He drawled, pretending he wasn't incredibly aroused. Miranda blushed from her head to her naked toes and pulled the jacked in tighter.

Spiked came to the door of his crypt and paused.

"Oh, bloody hell." The door was open and he didn't leave it that way. "Can you wait here, love?" He asked quietly, setting her on a tombstone.

Miranda arched her eyebrows sky high. Wait here? What if another one of those things came back?

"If something kills you, scream." Spike instructed absent mindedly. As he stepped into the crypt, she couldn't help but think this was a dream come true. A tall, dark and dreamy saving her and sweeping her off her feet. What more could a girl ask for? Well, other that clothes, that is.

Spike stepped down into what he callled home and glared.

"You again?" Buffy sat angrily on the tomb. Spike walked over to the side table and picked the bottle back up, drawing another mouthful of liquid fire.

"Yes, me. I came back to get my clothes and my toothbrush." Spike grinned wolfishly and nodded his head, tilting the bottle to her.

"But why did you stay?" Buffy was suddenly very uncomfortable, and she squiggled. Spike knew. He just didn't have the energy to care, at this point. It was almost sunrise, and two days without sleep was really taking its toll.

"I-I, I ah," Buffy stammered, but he cut her off.

"It's okay, Buffy, I've got company anyway." He stepped back outside.

Miranda was perched on the gravestone, doe-eyed and pouty. Now, Spike thought, she's doing it on purpose. He didn't have enough air in his lungs to protest, though.

"C'mon, then." He said simply, scooping her back up. She mewled softly at the jostling of her ankle, and Spike tutted, "Sorry, sorry."

Buffy's mouth dropped open with an audible pop. He was carrying a naked girl! As he dropped her gently on the bed farther into the crypt, she followed silently.

"Spike, can I talk to you? Out here?"

Miranda quickly wrapped up in the coat. God, he has a girlfriend. She way laying, only clothed in _his jacket,_ on a naked man's bed. Shite fuck arse damn.

Also, his name was Spike. Holy shite.

"What did you do to her?" Buffy huffed, punctuating each word with a vehement chest poke.

"Nothing, other that save her life," Spike said, pouring two shots. "I wonder if she drinks," He said, more to himself. Buffy growled

"Are you kidding me?" She shrieked, angry with his lies and his other women.

"Keep your voice down. She's been stressed enough tonight," He chided tenderly. "I was sitting here, enjoying the other half of this bottle, when I heard somebody scream. Now, I know you're questioning my morals, or lack thereof, but she was yelling 'bollocks' and such so I felt that I needed to check that out." He said, taking his shot. "And I went out to see a vamp chasing a naked niblet, end of story."

Buffy swayed back and forth, debating whether or not to believe him. She really needed to get home and check on Dawn, but she would never forgive herself if that girl got hut because of her negligence.

"She'll be fine. I'm all chippy, remember? I'll take her to hospital in the evening if the ankle is paining her still, and if it's paining her too much during the day I'll come get you. Okay?" Buffy paused for a moment, staring at him. She only saw sincerity in his eyes. Exactly what she didn't want to see.

"Whatever, Spike." She said softly, sadly. She walked out the door, slamming it. Spike noted the lack of clothes and toothbrush.

Miranda sighed. Great. Just by existing, she was causing fights. Not much to do about it now. She had heard the door.

Spike padded back into the room.

"Sorry, niblet. Just had to sort out a crazy ex-girlfriend." It hurt to call her what she was, but now that niblet's eyes were looking back at him, the stinging went down a little.

Ex? Ex?! Free at last, free at last, thank the Lord, I'm free at last! Miranda thought. Ex meant naked on his bed was okay, even encouraged! She felt the guilt lift off her chest.

"Niblet?" Miranda snapped back to reality. Spike was holding a shot. "I just got done making my grand introduction, and offered you a shot, but now I'm not so sure you need it..." He said, a little stung.

Introduction? What had that girl called him?

"Spike. Shots. Yes." She said, sticking out her hand. "I'm Miranda." Instead of a handshake, Spike pressed the shot into her palm.

"I think we're a little past handshakes, love." He said with a laugh. "I think I have a few of Dru's old things around."

Dru? That was that girl's name? Miranda hoped that the things Spike had were a few of Dru's more fashionable pieces.

Spike shuffled to the closet, slightly drunk. He didn't know why he kept Dru's shit around. He was definitely love's bitch. He also didn't really know what type of girl Miranda was. There was this white frilly thing and this black... frilly thing. He grabbed both.

"Alrighty, niblet, which one?" He held them up.

"The black." Miranda said, without a beat in between. This was a girl he could get to like.

"Need some help?" He asked, holding out a hand. Miranda took it gratefully. She took off his jacket and quickly threw it on his head, balancing on one foot. He chuckled, leaving it there.

She changed quickly. It was soft and made mostly of lace. She thought it was gorgeous.

"Wow, niblet. It fits really well." Spike said softly, pulling off the jacket. Miranda blushed sitting back down.

"Thanks." She replied, just as softly. Spike ran a hand through his hair and exhaled.

"You'll need some shoes then, too." He said, making a little list in his head. "And I'll need to go grocery shopping..." He wrinkled his forehead. "Are there any stores around here that are 24-hour?" He shook his head. "Maybe I'll ask Buffy or Xander," He dug around in his pockets for his wallet. There were exactly $15.32 cents in there. "Damn."

Miranda watched all of this with a mixture of guilt and amusement. She talked to herself du temps en temps, but she'd never watched someone else do it. She also felt a pang of guilt when she realized he was going to go through all that trouble for her.

"You don't have to do that, if you don't want to." She said softly, interrupting his outer monologue. He looked at her like he was shocked she was still there.

"Well of course I want to, silly niblet." He said, happily flopping on the other side of the bed. "I would've let that vamp get at you if I didn't want to."

"That what?" Bloody hell. He had said the 'v' word. He wasn't going to say the 'v' word until later, when he was explaining why he couldn't take her to hospital in the morning.

"Ah, look at the time, are you tired, I can drag the chair in here if you want or I can sleep out there?" He said quickly.

"It's okay, if you're willing to share." She said, softly patting the bed beside her. He smiled and took off his overshirt and his belt and shoes. "Now, what about vampires?" She continued, in the same tone of voice one would ask an officer of the law to ignore a speeding violation. His eyes flashed over to her.

"Aren't you some little temptress, then?" He grinned. He couldn't help it. She started laughing.

"I'm sorry, I try really hard to keep a straight face when I do that." She snorted. Spike started laughing uproarously.

"You snort? That's so dorky!" This only made Miranda snort again, and that made Spike laugh harder. When tears streamed down both of their faces, and they had both gained their breaths, Miranda turned back to Spike.

"No, seriously. Vampires?" He grinned at her.

"Look at you, all Nancy Drew." He took a deep, sobering breath as he lay back on his bed, not facing her. "Yeah. Vampires. There's thousands of them in the world. That's what was chasing you, earlier. And also," He said, sighing. "Also what I am." He waiting for the screaming to start. When it didn't start immediately, he continued talking. "I won't hurt you though. I promise." He looked back at her. She was... Smiling?

"That's so cool! Show me!" Show her? Show her? After she had been chased around and bruised up by one of his git relatives, show her? He shrugged and allowed the fangs to show, and his eyes to go all yellow and his forehead to get all bumpy.

"That's about it, though. We don't really turn to mist and shadow and all that." He said, looking down at his bed.

"That's awesome," Miranda said, breathless. A real live vampire! So, so cool.

"Changing subject!" Spike said sharply, changing back. Buffy never said he was awesome. She just got him all randy and left, calling him a thing. "Why were you all nude out in the graveyard?" Miranda paused, and got this troubled look to her face.

"I dunno if you'll believe me, but every time I try to think about it, I get this huge headache and I can't remember. It's like my brain is on fire." Spike smiled grimly.

"I know a thing or two about headaches, " Miranda arched an eyebrow, but decided to let it go for now. He sounded and looked so incredibly tired. "See, when I was locked up, the bastards decided to play operation with my blood brains." He began, sounding less tired.

"Whoa, you were locked up? They did experiments at your jail?" Miranda said, shocked. She gripped his arm. "Where were you? That's so illegal!" Spike sat up, amused as all hell.

"You take it in stride when I tell you I'm an evil bloodsucking demon, but when I tell you I was in jail and they put a chip in my brain you lose your bloody mind? What is wrong with you?" Miranda just laughed.

"They don't have a diagnosis yet. A chip, though?" Spike nodded.

"Every time I try to hurt a human, I get a horrible headache." Miranda sighed.

"Is that why you're nice to me?" There was so much misplaced sadness in that voice, that Spike sat up immediately and stared at her.

"At first, a little bit. I was really intrigued as to why you were yelling 'bollocks' in the middle of California. But then we started talking in here, and now I'm not just nice because I have to be." He explained awkwardly. Miranda nodded, eyes hooded.

"Thank you."

"Niblet, we've just met. Why were you so upset?" Spike asked, really interested. Why was she so attached, he wanted to ask, but that was a little more rude than he was willing to be.

"Well, you're the only person I know right now. Until I get my memory back, you're the only familiar face." She replied softly, after a minute. Spike's head reeled, and not in the chippy way.

"Oh." It was all he could say. "I'll, ah, I'll take you to hospital in the evening, if you want." Miranda nodded, and crawled under the covers.

"Good night, Spike." She said, drowsily.

"Nighty night, niblet."


End file.
